The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson (Week 13)

Good afternoon bitches!  It's your Week 13 Playoff Picture, with me...Turd Ferguson!

Week 12 was a wild one, and the playoff picture is starting to take shape.  With only 1 week remaining in the regular season, things are pretty much wrapped up in the Mantooth Conference.  Only 1 playoff spot has yet to be decided in the Conference.  The Burgundy Conference, on the other hand, is a giant clusterfuck.  3 teams have punched their ticket, and 2 of them actually have their seeds locked up as well.  But then we have 3 teams fighting for the remaining 1 playoff spots.

As if the tension couldn't get any higher this week, let me bring your attention to the schedule.  As you may remember, this week has been dubbed "A Very NCFFL Thanksgiving"!  That's right, it's Thanksgiving week, and nothing says Thanksgiving like a bunch of family-members getting pissed at each other.  With that in mind, the schedule makers have picked some great matchups for this week!  Rizzo plays Jake, Jeff plays Garret, Sam plays Mike, and Adam plays Alex.  It's good to know that half of you will be truely miserable this Thanksgiving!

This is getting intense!  Let's see how things are shaking out, shall we?

THE BURGUNDY CONFERENCE

1.  Judson Cardinals (record = 8-4) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Burgundy Conference

2.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 6-6) - Has clinched a playoff spot.  Can clinch the #2 seed with a win this week (vs. Nators), or by scoring no more than 21 points less than the 'nators this week

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 6-6) - Has clinched the #3 seed in the Burgundy Conference

4.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 5-7) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week (vs. Jake).  Can also sneak in with a loss, and a Dirty Mike win (vs. Nate), and by outscoring Dirty Mike by 26 points.  Can also get the #2 seed by beating Jake by at least 22 points.

5.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 4-8) - Can get the #4 seed with a win, and a 'nators loss

6.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-8) - Can get the #4 seed with a win, and a 'nators loss, as long as the 'nators don't outscore them 26 points.

THE MANTOOTH CONFERENCE

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 11-1) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Mantooth Conference

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 7-5) - Has clinched the #2 seed in the Mantooth Conference

3.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 8-4) - Has clinched the #3 seed in the Mantooth Conference

4.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 6-6) - Will clinch the #4 seed with a win this week, or with a Phillips Skins loss, or by outscoring the Phillips Skins by 9 points this week.

5.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-7) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week (vs. Huskies), and an Outlaws loss (vs. Cobras), and by scoring no more than 8 points less than the Outlaws this week.

6.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-10) - Better luck next year!

Well that's it for this week.  Join me next week for a very special Playoff Preview!

~TF

The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson (Week 12)

Good afternoon bitches!  Welcome to The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson!

The 2014 Regular Season is almost over, which means that it's almost time for the Playoffs!

Playoffs?  Yes, Jim.  Playoffs!

I know there have been some questions to how the playoff seedings work, so let me break it down for you.

There are 2 conferences (Burgundy and Mantooth).  Within each conference, there are 2 divisions (North and South).  The divisions are as follows:

BURGUNDY NORTH
Impregnators
Jakes Shitty Team Name
Turn Down for WATT

BURGUNDY SOUTH
Cardinals
Forever Unclean
Dirty Mike and the Boys

MANTOOTH NORTH
Kocks
Rage-A-Holics
Phillips Skins

MANTOOTH SOUTH
Outlaws
Cobras
Husky Fuckers

4 teams from each Conference make the playoffs.  The 2 division-winners get the #1 and #2 seeds, and the next 2 best teams are Wild Card teams, and will get the #3 and #4 seeds.  In week 14, the #1 seed plays the #4 seed, and the #2 plays the #3.  The two winners play in week 15 to determine our Conference Champs, and the two Conference Champs play in the Coastal Bowl in week 16.

If you are having trouble understanding all of that....well...then I don't know what to say.  You may want to consider the possibility that you are a moron, because it's not that hard.

1st place wins the Coastal Cup, and $900.  They also pre-pay for next year's dues (so I have one less person to hound next off-season), so I will be handing you $800 cash money as soon as the championship game goes final.  2nd place doubles their money, and takes home $200.

Now, there is also the dreaded Sack-O Tournanment.  The 2 worst teams from each conference get a much-needed week off in Week 14.  I suggest that they use this time to reflect on how exactly their season went so terribly wrong, and think about if they need to make some serious changes in their lives.  Poor bastards.  Then in Week 15, the #5 and #6 seed from each conference do battle, with the losers playing in the Sack-O Bowl.  Punishment for this year's Sack-O is yet to be determined (it probably won't be too serious, because I'm in the running for it).

One item of note....if you find yourself in the Sack-O Tournament, don't be a dick and rush to sign free agents on Tuesday mornings.  There is no rule against signing free agents once you've been mathematically eliminated, per se, but it's a dick move, when other guys have money on the line.  I know nobody want to be the Sack-O, but try to make due with the guys you have, and don't Kock-block other teams who are still competing.  Know your role.  Last year I tried locking rosters of teams who were eliminated, but that was met with lots of tears and anger (even though the people who were angry about it were the same people who were super pissed back in '08 when Sam, who was eliminated from the playoffs, kock-blocked them by signing free agents....funny how that works).  So for this year, I'm not going to lock rosters....but we'll talk about that for next year.  Just don't go signing free agents unless you really can't make due with the guys on your roster, ok?

So now that we got all of that out of the way, let's see how things currently line up, shall we?

BURGUNDY CONFERENCE

San Diego's #1 Fantasy Football Conference

1.  Judson Cardinals (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the playoffs.  Can clinch the #1 seed with a win this week.  Is a lucky bitch.

2.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 6-5) - Needs one win over the final 2 weeks to clinch the playoffs.  Can clinch the #2 seed with a win and an Unclean loss this week.

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #3 seed with a win over Dirty Mike this week.

4.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 4-7) - Currently in a 3-way tie for the 4 seed, but leads based on total points scored.  Can't clinch this week…but could have it pretty much locked up with a win vs. the 'nators, and a Dirty Mike loss.

5.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Turn Down 4 WATT loss to move into the 4th seed.  Then needs to beat Turn Down 4 WATT next week.  Can also get in with a loss this week, and a win next week, along with a 'nators loss next week.

6.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Dirty Mike loss to move into the #4 seed.  Then needs a win or a Turn Down for Watt loss to Dirty Mike next week (and also needs to outscore Dirty Mike by 30 points over the next 2 weeks)

MANTOOTH CONFERENCE

Watch your back, Burgundy!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 10-1) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Mantooth Conference

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the #2 seed in the Mantooth Conference

3.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 7-4) - Can clinch the #3 seed with one more win, or with one loss each from the Phillips Skins and Outlaws (they play each other this week).

4.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week, or with a win next week (vs. Huskies) and an Outlaws loss next week (vs. Cobras), and by outscoring the Outlaws by 62 over the next 2 weeks

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 5-6) - Can get the 4 seed with a win this week and either a win or a Phillips Skins loss next week.

6.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-9) - Better luck next year!

That's it for this week.  I'll be back next week to let you know who's in, who's out, and who is still fighting to keep their season alive!

~TF

NCFFL Week 10 Gay-Ass Power Rankings

Hola bitches!  Turd Ferguson here with your Week 10 Power Rankings!

Last week was a bad week for the Rizzo family, as literally everybody with any relation to Rizzo suffered a brutal defeat.  Jeff, Jake, Nate, Garret, and of course, Rizzo himself all lost to teams in the shitty Mantooth Conference.  Can they bounce back this week?  Probably not.  But let's go ahead an rank them anyway!

Still #1 bitches!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 9-0) - Not only are the Kocks the highest-scoring team in the league, they also have the least amount of Points Against.  Only 842.02 points have been scored against them all year (that's less points than if they had played the Husky Fuckers every week).  The stars may be aligning for the Kocks this year.

Who you calling a pretender?

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 6-3) - Fresh off of a King of the Week performance vs. the Cardinals, the Mexican Cobras are primed to do it again against a reeling 'nators team this week.

No Sack-O this year?

3.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-4) - The Phillips Skins got a big win against the 'nators last week, and their team is suddenly looking dangerous.

What hurts most is my butthole #HarrisonEffect

4.  Judson Cardinals (record = 5-4) - Injuries hit the Cardinals hard last week.  This week, they'll be hit even harder by bye-weeks.

Can I still do the "Superman" celebration?

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 4-5) - After going on a 3-game winning streak and claiming to be contenders, the Outlaws have failed to break 85 points in back-to-back weeks, and appear to be pretenders

6.  Forever Unclean (record = 3-6) - If I wasn't such a heartless prick, I'd feel bad for this team.  2nd highest-scoring team in the league, but 1180 points against.  That's like playing the Kocks + 4 points every single week.  It's time to stop making excuses, and win some f'n ball games.

We scored 89 points...and WON?

7.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-5) - This team would be in terrible shape, if they weren't the only team in the Burgundy Conference to win last week.  Now they find themselves in 2nd place in the Burgundy Conference.

Something tells me this will be the last time I have to google a pic of Mike Evans

8.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 5-4) - Despite being severaly short on talent, a monster game from Mike Evans was enough to propel this shitty team past Nate's shitty team last week.

"You have HOW MANY Bucs running backs???"

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-5) - It appears that Calvin Johnson will finally be back in the lineup this week…but is it too little too late for the 'nators?

Winning just feels so good, and....I...I'm sorry...I can't do this...

10.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-7) - The Husky Fuckers came out of nowhere to put a whoopin' on Forever Unclean.  They'll look to do the same this week in the Husky Bowl.

Was Jake Locker available?

11.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 4-5) - Jake's Shitty Team has lost 3 straight games, and 4 out of 5 since the infamous Jordy Nelson trade.

Wilson has spoken out against owner Nate Phillips, saying Nate is "not black enough"

12.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-6) - After a couple of huge weeks earlier in the season, The Herdsmen have lost 4 straight games, including this "Slouch Of The Week" performance.  They now find themselves in last place in the Burgundy Conference.

NCFFL Week 9 Power Rankings

Good afternoon ladies!  Turd Ferguson...check that...CHRIS Ferguson here, with your Week 9, Gay-Ass, NCFFL Power Rankings!  I'm having computer troubles today, and I keep losing half of my rankings when I try to upload them with images, so we'll keep this short and sweet.  Here are your gay-ass rankings:

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 8-0) - Still undefeated, and a cake schedule down the stretch.  Could they go 13-0 again?

2.  Judson Cardinals (record = 5-3) - Easily the hottest team in the NCFFL right now.  The Cardinals have scored over 130 in 4 of their last 5 games.

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 3-5) - The 3rd highest-scoring team in the league (just 25 points shy of the 1st place Kocks), Team Unclean will most likely find themselves in 2nd place in the Burgundy Conference after they play the Husky Fuckers this week.

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 5-3) - I still have a hard time trusting this team, but I'll be damned if they didn't have 4 players score over 25 points last week.

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 4-4) - The Outlaws have won 3 of their last 4 games, and have a favorable schedule down the stretch.  Owner Bob Witherow must be licking his chops.

6.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 4-4) - The Washington Sack-Os Skins suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Rage-A-Holics last week, but McCoy's Oline is finally getting healthy, as is Mark Ingram.  They'll look to get an easy win vs. the 'nators, before 2 brutal matchups vs. the Cardinals and Kocks.

7.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-5) - Nate's squad has lost 3 in a row, and will square off against a T. Clifton team that is on a 2-game winning streak.  They're going to need another double-digit game from Jamaal.

8.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 4-4) - Since the now-infamous Jordy Nelson trade, this team has lost 3 of the last 4 games, and is trending downward.  They also play the Kocks this week.  Good luck with that, Jake.

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-4) - The 'nators lucked into a victory last week, and are somehow in 3rd place in the Burgundy Conference.  They may very well find themselves in 6th place after this week, however.

10.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 3-5) - Dirty Mike lost a close one to the 'nators last week, snapping a 2 game winning streak in the process.  This week they'll face a suddently tough Outlaws team, with Sammy Watkins on a bye.

11.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 4-4) - One of the lowest scoring teams, and no impressive skill-position players, other than Gio Bernard (who has gotten injured in 3 straight games).  Tony Clifton's luck may have finally run out.

12.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 1-7) - The good news is that the Husky Fucker are only 3 games out of 3rd place in the Mantooth Conference, and two of their next 4 games are against truly terrible teams (Jake's team and the Rage-A-Holics).  They could still make a late-season run.

That's it for this week.  Stay tuned for a HUGE episode of the Jim Rome show!

~TF

NCFFL Week 7 Power Rankings

Ahoy-hoy!  Turd Ferguson here with your NCFFL Week 7 Power Rankings!

Many of you have asked where I was last week, and to you I say:  That's none of your goddamn business.  What a weak it was, though!  We had all kinds of homo-erotic trash talk to and from the Phillips boys.  To be honest, I'm a little creeped out.  You gut one guy who is clearly a homosexual, and another who probably only fucks cattle.  I also heard that, on draft day, he was considering bringing a gun to the draft???  Uh huh...  I guess that's one way to get the other owners to stop relentlessly talking shit about your shitty draft, huh?

Anyway, you've waited long enough.  Let's get down to business, shall we?

Thanks for the birthday gift, Rizzo!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 6-0) - The best birthday present a guy could ask for?  Playing the 'nators.

Yeah I'm winning...but I really just want to trade-rape somebody :(

2.  Judson Cardinals (record = 4-2) - The Cardinals, who looked like one of the worst teams in the league to start the season, have managed to score 130+ in 3 straight games, are the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league, and get to tee-off against the Outlaws this week.

Why don't you like me, Rizzo?

3.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-3) - Russell Wilson finally came crashing back down to earth last week, only managing 10 points.  Additionally, JJ Watt is one of the biggest douchebags I have ever seen.  Seriously…guy is a tool.

Introducing "The Cobra Crew-Cut"

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 4-2) - After starting slow, the Cobras have quietly scored over 100 points for 5 straight weeks.  This team may be more dangerous than I originally thought.

No more homo-erotic conversations with Jake?  YAY!

5.  Forever Unclean (record = 1-5) - Week after week, I come out here and bang the Unclean drum, and week after week, they lose.  They are starting to run out of time, and can only afford to lose 2-3 more games if they are going to make a playoff push.

I call this look...the "Wolcott Tuxedo"

6.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 3-3) - I just don't know what to make of this team.  One week they score 140, the next they score 80.  They'll try to complete their sweep of the Phillips Boys this week, but they'll have to do so without Lesean McCoy.

Toe injury?  Or just giving up on this team?

7.  Jake's Shitty-Named, Shitty Team (record = 4-2) - Jake is apparently going to "blow out" the Washington Phillips Skins this week (so says Jake).  I don't see it happening.

Ok, maybe you were right about me, Rizzo

8.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 2-4) - Dirty Mike is currently 2-4, and near the bottom of the Burgundy Conference standings.  But they have 4 very win-able matchups in a row, starting this week (Lee-zards, 'nators, Outlaws, Rage-A-Holics).

Rizzo's reaction when he realized that he finally found a starting-caliber RB

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 3-3) - The 'nators may have finally found themselves a RB in Justin Forsett.  Now they just need to find another 2.

Alex's reaction when he looks at his RB's.  And WR's.  And TE's.

10.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-4) - The Rage-A-Holics started strong, but have lost 4 straight games, and have only broken 100 once in the last 4 weeks.  This team is heading in the wrong direction.

Ryan Mathews isn't coming back, right?

11.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 3-3) - After only breaking 95 points once in the first 4 weeks, the Outlaws have scored over 135 in each of the last 2 weeks.  They'll need to do it again this week if they're going to beat the red-hot Cardinals.

I thought this year was gonna be different

12.  Bruce Lee-zards (record = 1-5) - The Lee-Zards have only broken 100 points once this year (a 120-109 loss to the Kocks), but they have a favorable schedule for the rest of the year, and are currently only 2 games out of 3rd place in the Mantooth Conference.


Well, that's it for this week.  Join me next week for another steaming pile of Power Rankings!

~TF

NCFFL Week 5 Power Rankings

 Good afternoon bitches!  Turd Ferguson here, with your NCFFL Week 5 Power Rankings!  It was another wild week in the NCFFL last week, as we had Adam barely holding off his little brother Mike, Rizzo barely edging out Nate thanks to a late, Monday Night TD by Travis Kelce, Steve Smith Sr. going all blood & guts on Forever Unclean, and a whole host of other great matchups, as we continue to do battle, intra-conference style.  We have one more week of conference matchups this week, before a two week break.  So everybody bring your A-Game this week!

Ok, let's do this!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 4-0) - Over 4 games, the Kocks have scored an average of almost 140 PPG, a full 26 PPG higher than the next best team.

2.  East L.A. Scrotal Calipers (record = 2-2) - This team could be dangerous when LeSean Mccoy gets on track.  One of his better Olinemen is coming off suspension this week, so he might start getting on track soon.

I call this look...."Wolcott-Chic"

3.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 2-2) - This team does have some firepower.  They did have the 2nd overall pick, so let's hold the applause.  Nate is currently in last place in his division, but I expect that to change this week.

0-4?  You kidding me???

4.  Forever Unclean (record = 0-4) - Talk about bad luck.  Forever Unclean has had a whopping 545 points scored against them this year.  No other team has had over 500, and 4 teams have had under 400.  This still looks like the best team in the Burgundy Conference, but it's going to be an uphill battle to make the playoffs.  The good news is that they are only 2 games out of 1st place in the Burgundy South.

They benched EJ?  About time!

 5.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 1-3) - Brees and Murray are studs, but the cupboard is pretty bare after those two.  Hopefully Kyle Orton can turn Sammy Watkins into a stud WR.

I'm still laughing...

6.  Judson Cardinals (record = 2-2) - Despite a career game from Steve Smith Sr., the Cardinals don't appear to be much of a threat this year.  That could all change very quickly, if their "throw shit [trade offers] at the wall, and see what sticks" strategy pays off again this year.

3-1 baby!

7.  Mexican Cobras (record = 3-1) - This team isn't scoring a lot of points, but they have a 2 game lead in their division in the 1 stat that matters most….Wins.

Puttin' da team on my back

8.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 3-1) - After another close, Monday-night victory, the 'nators are sitting at 3-1.  This team has a lot of middling talent.  Picking the correct lineup every week is going to be a challenge.

9.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-2) - After a hot start, injuries are taking their toll on Tony Clifton's squad.  They may be forced to start Devin Hester this week, and that's not a good sign.

Sassy Jake says hi!

10.  The Collosus of Clout (record = 3-1) - Jake is secure in his manhood and happy about his team.  I have my doubts about both.

Why didn't anybody tell me about the Mike White curse?

11.  TEFL-ANDRES (record = 1-3) - Mike just barely missed out on knocking the Kocks off their high-horse last week.  The bad news is that the TEFL-ANDRES are 1-3.  The good news is that they are only 2 games behind the Cobras for the division-lead, and they play the Cobras twice in the next 4 weeks.  All Mike has to do is ignore the constant stream of shitty trade offers, and keep choppin wood.

Thanks for bailing me out, Bob

 12.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 1-3) - My sources tell me that Bob Witherow is appealing to the NFL, in an attempt to get Josh Gordon's suspension reduced yet again.

That's it for this week.  I'm not sure where the Fortune Teller is this week, but be sure to check the League Page often!

~TF