Hello ladies! Turd Ferguson here, with your Week 12 Power Rankings!
The regular season is winding down, and it's been a wild one! We have had a shitload of trades this season, and teams are still trying to wheel and deal before the deadline. In fact, I spoke with one owner who chose to remain anonymous... let's call him... Skizzo. Anyway, Skizzo tells me that he's getting harassed by teams trying to get Thomas Rawls off him. Skizzo would like to tell these guys to fuck off. He's the one who's been keeping tabs on Rawls all year, has used a roster spot on him multiple times, put in all the effort. He's not going to trade him away for a package of 1 good WR and a bunch of scrubs you're about to cut (for somebody named Raheem Mostert).
The Burgundy Conference has taken care of business this year, with the Nators, Cardinals, BirdGang, and Unclean Curtain locking up playoff spots several weeks ago. They'll play out the next 2 weeks, just to determine the seeding. This week, in a likely Burgundy Conference Championship preview, the Nators take on Forever Unclean. The winner might be the #1 seed for the playoffs. Next week, the Nators take on the BirdGang, and the Cardinals take on the Unclean, so things will really go down to the wire!
Speaking of down to the wire, only 1 team, the Phillips Skins, have clinched a playoff spot in the Mantooth Conference. Everybody else is still alive.... even the 3-8 Cobras. The Cobras clearly need to win-out, and to get some help, if they're going to make the playoffs. The Outlaws just need 1 more win to clinch, leaving the BirdBang, RageAHolics, and Kocks in a dogfight for those final 2 playoff spots. Things get real interesting this week, as the BirdBang and RageAHolics face off in our Game of the Week! Both of those teams have overcome a TON of injuries, and most of their draft picks aren't even on their roster anymore, but they are currently sitting in the #3 and #4 seeds in the Mantooth Conference. The BirdBang has lost 5 of their first 6 draft picks (Andrew Luck - Injury, Justin Forsett - Injury, Mike Evans - Injury then Trade, Joseph Randle - Injury, Release, probably jail time, and Vincent Jackson - Injury). The RageAHolics have lost their first 4 picks (Jamaal - Injury, Alshon - recurring injuries, Gore - Trade, Edelman - Injury). Somehow, these two have kept grinding, and are still alive. In-credible.
Speaking of playoffs, I should probably remind you queers how the playoff seeds work.
We have 2 conferences (Burgundy and Mantooth).
In each conference, we have 2 divisions:
Burgundy North:
- Nators
- BirdGang
- Llama Fixers
Burgundy South:
- Cardinals
- Forever Unclean
- Luck her in the Percy
Mantooth North:
- Kocks
- Phillips-Skins
- RageAHolics
Mantooth South:
- Outlaws
- BirdBang
- Cobras
The top team in each division makes the playoffs as the #1 and #2 seed. The next 2 best team in each conference will make the playoffs as a wildcard team.
In Week 14, the playoffs start. the #1 seeds play the #4 seeds, and the #2's play the #3's. The winners face off the following week, to determine our conference champions, and in Week 16, the two conference champs square off in the Coastal Cup.
As we decided on draft day, the winner gets $1,000 (and hosts the draft party next year), and the runner up gets $200 (both of those fuckers will be automatically pre-paying their dues for next year, by the way).
Let me know if you have any questions about that. Now... on to the rankings!
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| Don't look now, but the Nators might finally have a running back |
1. North Penfield Impregnators (record = 8-3) - The 'nators are in 1st place overall, 2nd in total points scored, and have clinched a playoff berth. They also just snagged the #1 free agent pickup, Thomas Rawls, who should be a RB1 for the remainder of the season.
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| Do we have any other WR's that Bob can start? |
2. Oakland Outlaws (record = 6-5) - In Week 10, the Outlaws failed to break 100 for the first time this season. In Week 11, they didn't even break 85. They'll look to get on track against a fairly weak remaining schedule, and will clinch a playoff spot with a win this week.
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| Hey Phil, how does it feel losing back to back games against the Kocks? |
3. The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 8-3) - The Phillips-Skins just lost 2 straight games to the 9th place Kocks, and that's gotta leave a bad taste in their owner's mouth. They can take some solace in the fact that their best 2 players were on a bye, and they've clinched a top-2 seed in the Mantooth Conference.
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| Tony has been working on his arts & crafts while he was on IR |
4. Forever Unclean (record = 7-4) - This team has been grinding all year, and have finally leapfrogged the Cardinals… finding themselves in 3rd place in the Burgundy Conference. They could propel themselves into 1st place overall with a win this week.
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| You should've eaten more of those Skittles, Marshawn. |
5. Judson Cardinals (record = 6-5) - It's been a quiet year for the Cardinals… but they find themselves in 4th place in the Burgundy Conference, and have their playoff spot locked up. If their underachieving WR's get on track, this team could make some noise in the playoffs.
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| Carson has one last message for his former team. |
6. Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 8-3) - This team looked like a contender early in the season, but they've managed to fuck it all up, thanks to a dizzying amount of trade offers. I could see them having a couple of big weeks…. But this roster doesn't look like the type to win 3 straight in the post-season
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| Hey Rodgers, if Adam misses the playoffs, you better start wearing a disguise. |
7. Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 5-6) - The defending champs aren't putting up much a defense this year. They are the 4th-lowest scoring team, and have been extremely inconsistent. They need to win 1 (if not both) of the next 2 (and 4 of their next 5) if they are going to defend their title.
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| You're telling me Mike White might actually make the playoffs??? |
8. The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 6-5) - Team BirdBang currently sitting at 6-5, but they are the lowest-scoring team in the Mantooth Conference (by a wide margin), so they're not going to win any tie-breakers for playoff seeding. That means that this week's game against the RageAHolics is a must-win, before facing the Phillips-Skins in Week 13.
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| I'll see YOU next week, Adam! |
9. T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 5-6) - Somehow, the Rageaholics have won 3 in a row… even with all of the injuries that they've suffered. If they playoffs started today, they'd have the 4 seed… but it's gonna be a dogfight to hold off the 9th place Kocks, who are right on their heels.
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| Come December, the Cobras might have a lot of time to contemplate where it all went wrong. |
10. Mexican Cobras (record = 3-8) - The Cobras have been absolutely decimated by injuries this year, and they've really taken their toll. They'll need to win-out to make the playoffs.
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| Probably shouldn't have pinned your hopes on this guy |
11. Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 3-8) - This team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Better luck next year!
12. Llama Fixers (record = 1-10) - This team has also been eliminated from playoff contention. Better luck next year!
