I know what you're thinking. Where's Turd Ferguson? Well let me tell you... I was hearing very bad things about Turd Ferguson. It was very bad. So bad. So bad that I appointed a special committee to investigate him, and his shady rankings. And let me just tell you... it's not good. Not good. I'm not even gonna mention how Crooked Turd would intentionally rank certain teams higher just to jinx them, or how he would rank the 'nators way higher than they deserved. He did those things, and I could call him out on it, but I'm not going to. So Turd is out, and I'm in. I'm in so deep you won't even believe it. That's right, I'm here and I'm grabbing the NCFFL right by the pussy. I'm gonna rank the teams, and I'm gonna rank them so good, you won't even believe how good they're ranked. Every single expert says I do the best rankings anyway, so I can't believe I wasn't asked to do the NCFFL Power Rankings years ago. Crooked Turd was probably bribing Commissioner Rizzo to keep me out, but I'm not gonna mention that.
Before I get into the rankings, can you believe that I'm still waiting on dues from several owners. Not good. Not good. I'm in the middle of an audit right now, but I'm going to release the league finances anyway. You can click right here to see who has (or hasn't paid):
http://fantasy.nfl.com/league/892623/fees
Reminder: The first 16 transactions are free. Every transaction after that will cost $1. So knock $16 off whatever that link shows as your transaction balance.
Ok, I promised you rankings. The best rankings. Here they are:
1. The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 3-2) - The BirdBang has lost 2 in a row, thanks to an unfortunate CamCussion, but they are still the highest-scoring team in the league. They're scoring so many points. Way more points than anybody else. This team should have no trouble securing a playoff berth, because they are winners. Big-time winners.
2. Mexican Cobras (record = 4-1) - The Cobras are rolling, having scored over 120 points in every game this year. They also get to face a Locos team this week, who just traded away their best player (the Bills defense). The Locos might want to build a wall to keep those Mexican Cobras out of LA, because this one is not gonna be good.
3. Donald's Trumpets (record = 5-0) - The Trumpets are the only remaining undefeated team, and let me tell you... they have the best name. They are so good. So good. And they are going to make this league so great, you're head is gonna spin. Believe me. Believe me.
4. T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 4-1) - Tony Clifton has been picking up where the left off last season, and dominating the Mantooth North. These guys are winners. They have their eyes set on another division title, and the Kocks and Locos… it's like they're not even fighting back, you can't even believe it.
5. Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 3-2) - The Bird Gang is one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league, but they've won 3 games… two more than the 'nators and Unclean. I saw owner Little Jakey Phillips this week, and he was changing his baby's diaper. Can you believe that? I thought that was a job for the wives, but that's ok. Jakey likes it, I guess. It's ok.
6. Llama Fixers (record = 3-2) - The Llama Fixers have won 3 games, but they're the 2nd-lowest scoring team in the league. Losers. With a win over the Kocks this week, they can be winners again, and give themselves some breathing room in the Burgundy Conference.
7. Oakland Outlaws (record = 2-3) - In a cruel twist of fate, the Outlaws are one of the highest-scoring teams this season, but they have had a massive amount of points scored against them. It's almost like it's the opposite of what usually happens with these Outlaws. They easily rolled over the Loser 'nators last week though, so it's ok. No, it's good. They beat the 'nators, so it's good.
8. Barrow Hill Bulldogs (record = 2-3) - I thought the Bulldogs were winners, but they've only won 2 games this season. Can you believe they've only broken 100 points once in the last 3 weeks? I know, I couldn't believe it either. It's true though. Believe me.
9. Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 0-5) - I know. I know. Listen, I don't like this any more than you do, but even though the Kocks are the lowest-scoring team in the league, and sitting at 0-5 thanks to a historically-bad draft... I mean what a bad draft they had. Maybe the worst draft ever. But they've trade-raped and waiver-wired their way to one of the strongest rosters in the league. They've been making some great deals. People say I make the best deals, but the Kocks have made some ok deals.
10. Forever Unclean (record = 1-4) - The Unclean have only won a single game, and it was by less than a point. This team is a loser, people. Big-time loser. They'll have a chance to save their season this week, when they face a loser 'nators team.
11. North Penfield Impregnators (record = 1-4) - After the draft, WR was looking like the main (or only) strength of this roster. That lasted until the 2nd quarter of Week 1 when Keenan Allen went down. Now, the 'nators are losers and trying desperately to improve their roster. This whole roster is full of losers. Karlos Williams is fat, Odell Beckham is almost like a woman, and I don't even know what a Mike Gillislee is. This team is going nowhere people. Nowhere.
12. The LA Locos (record = 2-3) - The Locos have made some truly disastrous moves this season, and I don't know if they will be able to recover. Truly awful deals, people. Sack-O Sam is just killing the Locos with these horrible deals. If I had been in charge, they would have been much better deals. Much better.
Ok people, weren't those rankings great? So good, right? It's gonna keep getting better and better, people. Believe me. Maybe I'll be back next week. Maybe. I'm a very busy guy, but I'll always try to make time for my friends in the NCFFL. You guys are great.
