NCFFL Week 9 Power Rankings

Good afternoon ladies!  Turd Ferguson...check that...CHRIS Ferguson here, with your Week 9, Gay-Ass, NCFFL Power Rankings!  I'm having computer troubles today, and I keep losing half of my rankings when I try to upload them with images, so we'll keep this short and sweet.  Here are your gay-ass rankings:

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 8-0) - Still undefeated, and a cake schedule down the stretch.  Could they go 13-0 again?

2.  Judson Cardinals (record = 5-3) - Easily the hottest team in the NCFFL right now.  The Cardinals have scored over 130 in 4 of their last 5 games.

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 3-5) - The 3rd highest-scoring team in the league (just 25 points shy of the 1st place Kocks), Team Unclean will most likely find themselves in 2nd place in the Burgundy Conference after they play the Husky Fuckers this week.

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 5-3) - I still have a hard time trusting this team, but I'll be damned if they didn't have 4 players score over 25 points last week.

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 4-4) - The Outlaws have won 3 of their last 4 games, and have a favorable schedule down the stretch.  Owner Bob Witherow must be licking his chops.

6.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 4-4) - The Washington Sack-Os Skins suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Rage-A-Holics last week, but McCoy's Oline is finally getting healthy, as is Mark Ingram.  They'll look to get an easy win vs. the 'nators, before 2 brutal matchups vs. the Cardinals and Kocks.

7.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-5) - Nate's squad has lost 3 in a row, and will square off against a T. Clifton team that is on a 2-game winning streak.  They're going to need another double-digit game from Jamaal.

8.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 4-4) - Since the now-infamous Jordy Nelson trade, this team has lost 3 of the last 4 games, and is trending downward.  They also play the Kocks this week.  Good luck with that, Jake.

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-4) - The 'nators lucked into a victory last week, and are somehow in 3rd place in the Burgundy Conference.  They may very well find themselves in 6th place after this week, however.

10.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 3-5) - Dirty Mike lost a close one to the 'nators last week, snapping a 2 game winning streak in the process.  This week they'll face a suddently tough Outlaws team, with Sammy Watkins on a bye.

11.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 4-4) - One of the lowest scoring teams, and no impressive skill-position players, other than Gio Bernard (who has gotten injured in 3 straight games).  Tony Clifton's luck may have finally run out.

12.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 1-7) - The good news is that the Husky Fucker are only 3 games out of 3rd place in the Mantooth Conference, and two of their next 4 games are against truly terrible teams (Jake's team and the Rage-A-Holics).  They could still make a late-season run.

That's it for this week.  Stay tuned for a HUGE episode of the Jim Rome show!

~TF

NCFFL Week 7 Power Rankings

Ahoy-hoy!  Turd Ferguson here with your NCFFL Week 7 Power Rankings!

Many of you have asked where I was last week, and to you I say:  That's none of your goddamn business.  What a weak it was, though!  We had all kinds of homo-erotic trash talk to and from the Phillips boys.  To be honest, I'm a little creeped out.  You gut one guy who is clearly a homosexual, and another who probably only fucks cattle.  I also heard that, on draft day, he was considering bringing a gun to the draft???  Uh huh...  I guess that's one way to get the other owners to stop relentlessly talking shit about your shitty draft, huh?

Anyway, you've waited long enough.  Let's get down to business, shall we?

Thanks for the birthday gift, Rizzo!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 6-0) - The best birthday present a guy could ask for?  Playing the 'nators.

Yeah I'm winning...but I really just want to trade-rape somebody :(

2.  Judson Cardinals (record = 4-2) - The Cardinals, who looked like one of the worst teams in the league to start the season, have managed to score 130+ in 3 straight games, are the 2nd-highest scoring team in the league, and get to tee-off against the Outlaws this week.

Why don't you like me, Rizzo?

3.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-3) - Russell Wilson finally came crashing back down to earth last week, only managing 10 points.  Additionally, JJ Watt is one of the biggest douchebags I have ever seen.  Seriously…guy is a tool.

Introducing "The Cobra Crew-Cut"

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 4-2) - After starting slow, the Cobras have quietly scored over 100 points for 5 straight weeks.  This team may be more dangerous than I originally thought.

No more homo-erotic conversations with Jake?  YAY!

5.  Forever Unclean (record = 1-5) - Week after week, I come out here and bang the Unclean drum, and week after week, they lose.  They are starting to run out of time, and can only afford to lose 2-3 more games if they are going to make a playoff push.

I call this look...the "Wolcott Tuxedo"

6.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 3-3) - I just don't know what to make of this team.  One week they score 140, the next they score 80.  They'll try to complete their sweep of the Phillips Boys this week, but they'll have to do so without Lesean McCoy.

Toe injury?  Or just giving up on this team?

7.  Jake's Shitty-Named, Shitty Team (record = 4-2) - Jake is apparently going to "blow out" the Washington Phillips Skins this week (so says Jake).  I don't see it happening.

Ok, maybe you were right about me, Rizzo

8.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 2-4) - Dirty Mike is currently 2-4, and near the bottom of the Burgundy Conference standings.  But they have 4 very win-able matchups in a row, starting this week (Lee-zards, 'nators, Outlaws, Rage-A-Holics).

Rizzo's reaction when he realized that he finally found a starting-caliber RB

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 3-3) - The 'nators may have finally found themselves a RB in Justin Forsett.  Now they just need to find another 2.

Alex's reaction when he looks at his RB's.  And WR's.  And TE's.

10.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-4) - The Rage-A-Holics started strong, but have lost 4 straight games, and have only broken 100 once in the last 4 weeks.  This team is heading in the wrong direction.

Ryan Mathews isn't coming back, right?

11.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 3-3) - After only breaking 95 points once in the first 4 weeks, the Outlaws have scored over 135 in each of the last 2 weeks.  They'll need to do it again this week if they're going to beat the red-hot Cardinals.

I thought this year was gonna be different

12.  Bruce Lee-zards (record = 1-5) - The Lee-Zards have only broken 100 points once this year (a 120-109 loss to the Kocks), but they have a favorable schedule for the rest of the year, and are currently only 2 games out of 3rd place in the Mantooth Conference.


Well, that's it for this week.  Join me next week for another steaming pile of Power Rankings!

~TF

NCFFL Week 5 Power Rankings

 Good afternoon bitches!  Turd Ferguson here, with your NCFFL Week 5 Power Rankings!  It was another wild week in the NCFFL last week, as we had Adam barely holding off his little brother Mike, Rizzo barely edging out Nate thanks to a late, Monday Night TD by Travis Kelce, Steve Smith Sr. going all blood & guts on Forever Unclean, and a whole host of other great matchups, as we continue to do battle, intra-conference style.  We have one more week of conference matchups this week, before a two week break.  So everybody bring your A-Game this week!

Ok, let's do this!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 4-0) - Over 4 games, the Kocks have scored an average of almost 140 PPG, a full 26 PPG higher than the next best team.

2.  East L.A. Scrotal Calipers (record = 2-2) - This team could be dangerous when LeSean Mccoy gets on track.  One of his better Olinemen is coming off suspension this week, so he might start getting on track soon.

I call this look...."Wolcott-Chic"

3.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 2-2) - This team does have some firepower.  They did have the 2nd overall pick, so let's hold the applause.  Nate is currently in last place in his division, but I expect that to change this week.

0-4?  You kidding me???

4.  Forever Unclean (record = 0-4) - Talk about bad luck.  Forever Unclean has had a whopping 545 points scored against them this year.  No other team has had over 500, and 4 teams have had under 400.  This still looks like the best team in the Burgundy Conference, but it's going to be an uphill battle to make the playoffs.  The good news is that they are only 2 games out of 1st place in the Burgundy South.

They benched EJ?  About time!

 5.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 1-3) - Brees and Murray are studs, but the cupboard is pretty bare after those two.  Hopefully Kyle Orton can turn Sammy Watkins into a stud WR.

I'm still laughing...

6.  Judson Cardinals (record = 2-2) - Despite a career game from Steve Smith Sr., the Cardinals don't appear to be much of a threat this year.  That could all change very quickly, if their "throw shit [trade offers] at the wall, and see what sticks" strategy pays off again this year.

3-1 baby!

7.  Mexican Cobras (record = 3-1) - This team isn't scoring a lot of points, but they have a 2 game lead in their division in the 1 stat that matters most….Wins.

Puttin' da team on my back

8.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 3-1) - After another close, Monday-night victory, the 'nators are sitting at 3-1.  This team has a lot of middling talent.  Picking the correct lineup every week is going to be a challenge.

9.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-2) - After a hot start, injuries are taking their toll on Tony Clifton's squad.  They may be forced to start Devin Hester this week, and that's not a good sign.

Sassy Jake says hi!

10.  The Collosus of Clout (record = 3-1) - Jake is secure in his manhood and happy about his team.  I have my doubts about both.

Why didn't anybody tell me about the Mike White curse?

11.  TEFL-ANDRES (record = 1-3) - Mike just barely missed out on knocking the Kocks off their high-horse last week.  The bad news is that the TEFL-ANDRES are 1-3.  The good news is that they are only 2 games behind the Cobras for the division-lead, and they play the Cobras twice in the next 4 weeks.  All Mike has to do is ignore the constant stream of shitty trade offers, and keep choppin wood.

Thanks for bailing me out, Bob

 12.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 1-3) - My sources tell me that Bob Witherow is appealing to the NFL, in an attempt to get Josh Gordon's suspension reduced yet again.

That's it for this week.  I'm not sure where the Fortune Teller is this week, but be sure to check the League Page often!

~TF