The 2014 Regular Season is almost over, which means that it's almost time for the Playoffs!
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| Playoffs? Yes, Jim. Playoffs! |
There are 2 conferences (Burgundy and Mantooth). Within each conference, there are 2 divisions (North and South). The divisions are as follows:
BURGUNDY NORTH
Impregnators
Jakes Shitty Team Name
Turn Down for WATT
BURGUNDY SOUTH
Cardinals
Forever Unclean
Dirty Mike and the Boys
MANTOOTH NORTH
Kocks
Rage-A-Holics
Phillips Skins
MANTOOTH SOUTH
Outlaws
Cobras
Husky Fuckers
4 teams from each Conference make the playoffs. The 2 division-winners get the #1 and #2 seeds, and the next 2 best teams are Wild Card teams, and will get the #3 and #4 seeds. In week 14, the #1 seed plays the #4 seed, and the #2 plays the #3. The two winners play in week 15 to determine our Conference Champs, and the two Conference Champs play in the Coastal Bowl in week 16.
If you are having trouble understanding all of that....well...then I don't know what to say. You may want to consider the possibility that you are a moron, because it's not that hard.
1st place wins the Coastal Cup, and $900. They also pre-pay for next year's dues (so I have one less person to hound next off-season), so I will be handing you $800 cash money as soon as the championship game goes final. 2nd place doubles their money, and takes home $200.
Now, there is also the dreaded Sack-O Tournanment. The 2 worst teams from each conference get a much-needed week off in Week 14. I suggest that they use this time to reflect on how exactly their season went so terribly wrong, and think about if they need to make some serious changes in their lives. Poor bastards. Then in Week 15, the #5 and #6 seed from each conference do battle, with the losers playing in the Sack-O Bowl. Punishment for this year's Sack-O is yet to be determined (it probably won't be too serious, because I'm in the running for it).
One item of note....if you find yourself in the Sack-O Tournament, don't be a dick and rush to sign free agents on Tuesday mornings. There is no rule against signing free agents once you've been mathematically eliminated, per se, but it's a dick move, when other guys have money on the line. I know nobody want to be the Sack-O, but try to make due with the guys you have, and don't Kock-block other teams who are still competing. Know your role. Last year I tried locking rosters of teams who were eliminated, but that was met with lots of tears and anger (even though the people who were angry about it were the same people who were super pissed back in '08 when Sam, who was eliminated from the playoffs, kock-blocked them by signing free agents....funny how that works). So for this year, I'm not going to lock rosters....but we'll talk about that for next year. Just don't go signing free agents unless you really can't make due with the guys on your roster, ok?
So now that we got all of that out of the way, let's see how things currently line up, shall we?
BURGUNDY CONFERENCE
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| San Diego's #1 Fantasy Football Conference |
1. Judson Cardinals (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the playoffs. Can clinch the #1 seed with a win this week. Is a lucky bitch.
2. It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 6-5) - Needs one win over the final 2 weeks to clinch the playoffs. Can clinch the #2 seed with a win and an Unclean loss this week.
3. Forever Unclean (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #3 seed with a win over Dirty Mike this week.
4. Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 4-7) - Currently in a 3-way tie for the 4 seed, but leads based on total points scored. Can't clinch this week…but could have it pretty much locked up with a win vs. the 'nators, and a Dirty Mike loss.
5. Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Turn Down 4 WATT loss to move into the 4th seed. Then needs to beat Turn Down 4 WATT next week. Can also get in with a loss this week, and a win next week, along with a 'nators loss next week.
6. North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Dirty Mike loss to move into the #4 seed. Then needs a win or a Turn Down for Watt loss to Dirty Mike next week (and also needs to outscore Dirty Mike by 30 points over the next 2 weeks)
MANTOOTH CONFERENCE
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| Watch your back, Burgundy! |
2. Mexican Cobras (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the #2 seed in the Mantooth Conference
3. T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 7-4) - Can clinch the #3 seed with one more win, or with one loss each from the Phillips Skins and Outlaws (they play each other this week).
4. Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week, or with a win next week (vs. Huskies) and an Outlaws loss next week (vs. Cobras), and by outscoring the Outlaws by 62 over the next 2 weeks
5. Oakland Outlaws (record = 5-6) - Can get the 4 seed with a win this week and either a win or a Phillips Skins loss next week.
6. The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-9) - Better luck next year!
That's it for this week. I'll be back next week to let you know who's in, who's out, and who is still fighting to keep their season alive!
~TF
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