NCFFL Playoff Preview

My fellow NCFFL-ites.... Welcome to the incredibly huge, very very huge and great 2016 NCFFL Playoffs!

Congratulations to all of you who made the playoffs this year.  You are all big time, and you all get to continue playing this fantasized football game for another week at least.  To the four of you who didn’t make the playoffs, let me just say, and this is probably going to be controversial, and they’re telling me not to say this, but you guys just aren’t winners.  You’re not a winner like me, or the 8 teams who made the playoffs.  Not winners at all.  You’re losers, folks.  But that’s ok.  No, it’s ok, we need to have some losers in the league too.  So we have our winners, and they are in the playoffs, and then we have you losers over there, and you guys get to sit and watch.  You watch while these big, beautiful winners battle it out in the playoffs.  

To our playoff teams, I know you all want to be WINNERS, but there can only be one winner, and so we’ve devised an incredibly great playoff system to determine who that one winner will be.  These playoffs are gonna be so huge, people.  In case you don’t remember, the #1 seeds will play the #4 seeds.  And this is really quite unbelievable, but the #2 seeds will play the #3 seeds.  The winners of those two games will square off next week in the Conference Championships.  Then, and this is the best part, honestly, because it’s just so brilliant, the two Conference Champions will square off in Week 16 for the Coastal Cup!  Can you believe that?  Not only will the winner get a huge, amazing trophy, a years worth of bragging rights, but they’ll also get a cool $900.  I know $900 doesn’t really sound like a lot of money, but for these guys it’s good, so that’s what we’ll do.  2nd place doubles their money, and scores $200.  The 3rd place team (to be determined by the Week 16 Consolation Game) will get their initial $100 investment back.  What a great deal, huh?  The payouts used to be different, but the Commissioner brought me in this year to negotiate a new deal, and this is really just the best deal we’ve ever had in the NCFFL.  So great.  So great.  Now, we should mention that it’s expected that the champion hosts, and foots the bill for the draft party next year, so that’s good too.  #MakeTheDraftGreatAgain 

We’ve got some great matchups this year, and I know you are all wondering who is going to win the Coastal Cup.  So I’m just going to tell you now.  That’s right, I’m so very very smart that I already know who the winners and losers will be.  I know you guys usually brought in the Fortune Teller to do this kind of stuff, but it turns out that the Fortune Teller was just incredibly corrupt.  He was the most corrupt person you’ve ever brought into the NCFFL.  In fact, people are saying that the Fortune Teller was involved in some very shady business dealings.  Not good.  Not good.  So he’s out, and I’m here and I’m going to tell you right now who’s going to win.  Here we go:

QUARTERFINALS

Mantooth Conference

(1) T. Clifton RageAHolics vs. (4) Oakland Outlaws

Here we have a great matchup between two of the original NCFFL Teams.  These teams are so great.  A lot of history here.  Can you believe these guys have 3 championships between them?  One of them is going to win this week, and this is a tough one to call.  On the one hand, Bob has Aaron Rodgers, Antonio Brown and Jay Ajayi.  But Rodgers plays Seattle, and Ajayi plays Arizona.  On the other hand, Alex has Julio Jones, TY Hilton, and LeGarrette Blount.  But their starting QB is Andy Dalton, and that guy is a loser.  Big, big, red haired loser.  And Julio is hurt, as usual.  So who’s gonna win?  It’s anyone’s guess.  Actually, it’s my guess, and I never guess, so it’s my….my….. what’s the opposite of guess?  Anybody know?  No?  Ok, well whatever it is, here it is:

Result:  Dalton gets it done, tosses 3 TD’s, and the RageAHolics win.

(2) The Mexican Cobra vs. (3) The Smoke-la-homa BirdBang

This is a really crazy game, because the BirdBang was the best team for most of the year.  They won the points title, and they were looking like the team to beat.  But their team kinda went to shit.  AJ Green is still hurt, and he won’t play this week, so the BirdBang will be starting the likes of Pierre Garcon this week.  That’s not good, folks.  They also have Jordy Nelson against Seattle and Demarco Murray vs. Denver.  Neither are good matchups.  The Cobras have better matchups, with Freeman against the Rams, Cooks against the Bucs, and Walker against Denver.

Result:  Kirk Cousins takes advantage of Leodis McKelvin and the Eagles secondary, propelling the BirdBang to victory.

Burgundy Conference

(1) Donalds Trumpets vs. (4) North Penfield Impregnators

There is so many great storylines with this game, I just don’t even know where to start.  I guess I have to start with the fact that Rickie gave his team such a great, great name.  It’s so great.  What a stupendous name to give you team, really.  Another great thing about this game is that half of Rizzo’s players started the season on Rickie’s team, and vice-versa.  Rickie traded Brees and Beckham to Rizzo, and Rizzo traded McCoy and Stafford to Rickie.  Just incredible.  Rizzo’s team has literally no talent at RB, and they are overmatched at TE.  WR’s are probably a push.

Result:  After scoring only 7 points last week, Brees has a huge, huge game, and the Nators pull the upset.

(2) Oklahoma Beach BirdGang vs. (3) Barrow Hill Bulldogs

In this matchup, we have two fine Americans facing off for a trip to the Burgundy Conference finals.  Jakey started real slow, but is getting hot at the right time.  I’d give him credit for stashing Thomas Rawls and Ladarius Green all year, but he cut Green as soon as he got healthy, and he tried desperately tried trading Rawls to every team in the league.  Jeff, on the other hand, drafted his team full of old guys, and is sticking with them.  Will it pay off?  No.

Result:  Jake starts the wrong QB, but David Johnson has a monster game, and the BirdGang advance.

Had enough?  Didn’t think so.  Here are the results of the Week 15 games:

CONFERENCE FINALS

Mantooth Conference

(1) T. Clifton RageAHolics vs. (4) Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang

Result:  The RageAHolics get the W, and go to their millionth Coastal Bowl.

Burgundy Conference

(2) Oklahoma Beach Birdgang vs. (4) North Penfield Impregnators

Result:  The Birdgang’s hot streak continues, they get the win, and advance to their first ever Coastal Bowl.

Who will win the championship?  I know, but I’m not going to tell you.  I’m going to leave you in suspense.  You’re going to have to stay tuned to find out!

~DT

The Playoff Picture - Donald Trump Edition

President-elect Trump here, and today... let me tell you what I'm gonna do today, because it's gonna be so interesting you won't be able to even believe just how interesting it is.  Today we are going to talk about the playoffs.

That's right, the 2016 NCFFL Playoffs are just 2 weeks away, and the playoff picture is starting to take shape.  Just in case you forgot, and I would never forget this because I have the best memory.  The best.  But in case you did forget, I'll remind you now how the playoff seedings work:

We have 2 conferences, Burgandy and Mantooth.

In each conference, we have 2 divisions, North and South:

Burgundy North:

Nators
BirdGang
Llama Fixers

Burgundy South:

Bulldogs
Trumpets
Forever Unclean

Mantooth North:

Kocks
Locos
Rage-A-Holics

Mantooth South:

Outlaws
Mexican Cobra
BirdBang

Everybody with me so far?  Let me know if I'm moving too quick for you, because I'm so smart that I don't even realize sometimes how much smarter I am than the rest of you.

Ok, so we have 2 divisions in each conference, right?  So the 2 division winners will be the #1 and #2 seed in each conference.  Then, the next 2 best teams in each conference (regardless of division) will be the 2 wildcard teams.  Now Adam is proposing that we redefine "best team" to mean "team that Adam thinks is the best", and we'll put that to a vote next year... and I'm sure he'll rig the election because he is so corrupt, but for this year, we'll leave "best team" to mean "team with the most wins".  In the case of a tie, the tie-breaker is Total Points Scored.

Once the playoffs start (Week 14), the #1 seed plays the #4 seed, and the #2 seed plays the #3 seed.  The two winners meet in the Conference Finals, and the two Conference Champs go on to play Week 16 in the Coastal Bowl.  The payouts are as follows... and let me tell you, these payouts are so generous.  You're gonna get so much money from these payouts:

1st Place - $900
2nd Place - $200
3rd Place - $100

Ok, now that we got that out of the way, let's look at where each team currently stands:

Wait....

You want me to figure all this out?

Um.......

Take it away, Rizzo!

Uh, thanks Mr. President.  Hey guys, Rizzo here.  Before I tell you the seedings, I just wanted to remind you all to PAY YOUR GODDAMN DUES!  Many of you have paid your dues, but I'm still waiting on full or partial payments from a few of you.  If you are unsure about how much you've paid, click here:

http://fantasy.nfl.com/league/892623/fees

Reminder that transaction fees need to be paid at some point as well.  You can subtract 16 from the "Total Due" on that last screen, to see exactly what you owe.

Ok, here are the ranks:

BURGUNDY CONFERENCE:

1.  Barrow Hill Bulldogs (record = 6-5) - The Bulldogs have clinched a playoff spot. They currently have the #1 seed based on points, but will finish no worse than the #3 seed

2.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 5-6) - The BirdGang can clinch the #2 seed with a win over the Outlaws this week.  The #1 seed is looking like a longshot at this point.  They could also miss the playoffs altogether, if they lose their next 2, and two of the Nators, Unclean and Llamas win their next 2.

3.  Donald's Trumpets (record = 6-5) - The Trumpets currently hold the #3 seed, and will finish no worse than that.  The Trumpets and Bulldogs actually play eachother this week, so there is a good chance that the winner will end up as the #1 seed, and have a cake matchup in the first round of the playoffs.

4.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 3-8) - The Nators, Unclean, and Llamas are all currently tied at 3-8, but the Nators hold the tiebreaker based on the points scored (the Nators are the highest scoring team in the Burgundy Conference).  The Nators are currently the #4 seed.  They could get as high as the #2 seed, if they win out, and the BirdGang lose out (they play each other week 13).  They could also miss the playoffs entirely.

5.  Forever Unclean (record = 3-8) - The Unclean have had easily the most points scored against them this year, and are paying for it in the record books.  They are currently the #5 seed, but are still in the hunt.

6.  Llama Fixers (record = 3-8) - A win over the nators this week would put the Llamas in decent shape… but they are the #6 seed right now.


MANTOOTH CONFERENCE:

1.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 9-2) - The Rage-A-Holics are currently the #1 seed in the Mantooth Conference.  They can finish no worse than the #2 seed.

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 8-3) - The Cobras have clinched a playoff berth.  They are currently the #2 seed, but they are 1 game behind the Rage-A-Holics, and own the tiebreaker over them.

3.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 7-4) - The Outlaws can clinch a playoff spot with a win, and a loss by either the BirdBang or the Locos.  They are currently the #3 seed.

4.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 6-5) - The BirdBang are currently the #4 seed.  They are the highest-scoring team in the league, but they just lost AJ Green, and need a win or two to keep their playoff hopes alive.

After starting hot, the BirdBang might be choking

5.  The LA Locos (record = 6-5) - The Locos are currently on the outside looking in.  They have the same record as the BirdBang, but 200 less points on the season, so they need to pass them record-wise to make the playoffs.


6.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 4-7) - Better luck next year!

Ok, that just about does it.  Or does it???

Remember how we decided to pay $1 for each Add or Trade transaction for the season, and award the pot to the Points Champ?  Well, as it turns out, "pot" was a very appropriate choice of words, because none other than the Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang are currently in the lead!

BirdBang is in the lead???

Earlier in the season, it looked like they were going to run away with this one, but they've been slumping as of late, and the Mexican Cobra are right on their heels.  The Oakland Outlaws are also in the mix.  Here are where these teams currently stand:

BirdBang = 1476 Points
Mexican Cobra = 1438 Points
Outlaws = 1417 Points

As of right now, there's around $200 in the pot, so you can bet your ass these guys are all gunning for the Points Title this year.

Let me know if you guys have any questions!

~Rizzo

2016 Week 6 Power Rankings

Hey Losers,

I know what you're thinking.  Where's Turd Ferguson?  Well let me tell you... I was hearing very bad things about Turd Ferguson.  It was very bad.  So bad.  So bad that I appointed a special committee to investigate him, and his shady rankings.  And let me just tell you... it's not good.  Not good.  I'm not even gonna mention how Crooked Turd would intentionally rank certain teams higher just to jinx them, or how he would rank the 'nators way higher than they deserved.  He did those things, and I could call him out on it, but I'm not going to.  So Turd is out, and I'm in.  I'm in so deep you won't even believe it.  That's right, I'm here and I'm grabbing the NCFFL right by the pussy.  I'm gonna rank the teams, and I'm gonna rank them so good, you won't even believe how good they're ranked.  Every single expert says I do the best rankings anyway, so I can't believe I wasn't asked to do the NCFFL Power Rankings years ago.  Crooked Turd was probably bribing Commissioner Rizzo to keep me out, but I'm not gonna mention that.

Before I get into the rankings, can you believe that I'm still waiting on dues from several owners.  Not good.  Not good.  I'm in the middle of an audit right now, but I'm going to release the league finances anyway.  You can click right here to see who has (or hasn't paid):

http://fantasy.nfl.com/league/892623/fees

Reminder:  The first 16 transactions are free.  Every transaction after that will cost $1.  So knock $16 off whatever that link shows as your transaction balance.

Ok, I promised you rankings.  The best rankings.  Here they are:

1.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 3-2) - The BirdBang has lost 2 in a row, thanks to an unfortunate CamCussion, but they are still the highest-scoring team in the league.  They're scoring so many points.  Way more points than anybody else.  This team should have no trouble securing a playoff berth, because they are winners.  Big-time winners.

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 4-1) - The Cobras are rolling, having scored over 120 points in every game this year.  They also get to face a Locos team this week, who just traded away their best player (the Bills defense).  The Locos might want to build a wall to keep those Mexican Cobras out of LA, because this one is not gonna be good.

3.  Donald's Trumpets (record = 5-0) - The Trumpets are the only remaining undefeated team, and let me tell you... they have the best name.  They are so good.  So good.  And they are going to make this league so great, you're head is gonna spin.  Believe me.  Believe me.

4.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 4-1) - Tony Clifton has been picking up where the left off last season, and dominating the Mantooth North.  These guys are winners.  They have their eyes set on another division title, and the Kocks and Locos… it's like they're not even fighting back, you can't even believe it.

5.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 3-2) - The Bird Gang is one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league, but they've won 3 games… two more than the 'nators and Unclean.  I saw owner Little Jakey Phillips this week, and he was changing his baby's diaper.  Can you believe that?  I thought that was a job for the wives, but that's ok.  Jakey likes it, I guess.  It's ok.

6.  Llama Fixers (record = 3-2) - The Llama Fixers have won 3 games, but they're the 2nd-lowest scoring team in the league.  Losers.  With a win over the Kocks this week, they can be winners again, and give themselves some breathing room in the Burgundy Conference.

7.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 2-3) - In a cruel twist of fate, the Outlaws are one of the highest-scoring teams this season, but they have had a massive amount of points scored against them.  It's almost like it's the opposite of what usually happens with these Outlaws.  They easily rolled over the Loser 'nators last week though, so it's ok.  No, it's good.  They beat the 'nators, so it's good.

8.  Barrow Hill Bulldogs (record = 2-3) - I thought the Bulldogs were winners, but they've only won 2 games this season.  Can you believe they've only broken 100 points once in the last 3 weeks?  I know, I couldn't believe it either.   It's true though.  Believe me.

9.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 0-5) - I know.  I know.  Listen, I don't like this any more than you do, but even though the Kocks are the lowest-scoring team in the league, and sitting at 0-5 thanks to a historically-bad draft... I mean what a bad draft they had.  Maybe the worst draft ever.  But they've trade-raped and waiver-wired their way to one of the strongest rosters in the league.  They've been making some great deals.  People say I make the best deals, but the Kocks have made some ok deals.

10.  Forever Unclean (record = 1-4) - The Unclean have only won a single game, and it was by less than a point.  This team is a loser, people.  Big-time loser.  They'll have a chance to save their season this week, when they face a loser 'nators team.

11.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 1-4) - After the draft, WR was looking like the main (or only) strength of this roster.  That lasted until the 2nd quarter of Week 1 when Keenan Allen went down.  Now, the 'nators are losers and trying desperately to improve their roster.  This whole roster is full of losers.  Karlos Williams is fat, Odell Beckham is almost like a woman, and I don't even know what a Mike Gillislee is.  This team is going nowhere people.  Nowhere.

12.  The LA Locos (record = 2-3) - The Locos have made some truly disastrous moves this season, and I don't know if they will be able to recover.  Truly awful deals, people.  Sack-O Sam is just killing the Locos with these horrible deals.  If I had been in charge, they would have been much better deals.  Much better.

Ok people, weren't those rankings great?  So good, right?  It's gonna keep getting better and better, people.  Believe me.  Maybe I'll be back next week.  Maybe.  I'm a very busy guy, but I'll always try to make time for my friends in the NCFFL.  You guys are great.

~DT