NCFFL Week 12 Power Rankings

Hello ladies!  Turd Ferguson here, with your Week 12 Power Rankings!

The regular season is winding down, and it's been a wild one!  We have had a shitload of trades this season, and teams are still trying to wheel and deal before the deadline.  In fact, I spoke with one owner who chose to remain anonymous... let's call him... Skizzo.  Anyway, Skizzo tells me that he's getting harassed by teams trying to get Thomas Rawls off him.  Skizzo would like to tell these guys to fuck off.  He's the one who's been keeping tabs on Rawls all year, has used a roster spot on him multiple times, put in all the effort.  He's not going to trade him away for a package of 1 good WR and a bunch of scrubs you're about to cut (for somebody named Raheem Mostert).

The Burgundy Conference has taken care of business this year, with the Nators, Cardinals, BirdGang, and Unclean Curtain locking up playoff spots several weeks ago.  They'll play out the next 2 weeks, just to determine the seeding.  This week, in a likely Burgundy Conference Championship preview, the Nators take on Forever Unclean.  The winner might be the #1 seed for the playoffs.  Next week, the Nators take on the BirdGang, and the Cardinals take on the Unclean, so things will really go down to the wire!

Speaking of down to the wire, only 1 team, the Phillips Skins, have clinched a playoff spot in the Mantooth Conference.  Everybody else is still alive.... even the 3-8 Cobras.  The Cobras clearly need to win-out, and to get some help, if they're going to make the playoffs.  The Outlaws just need 1 more win to clinch, leaving the BirdBang, RageAHolics, and Kocks in a dogfight for those final 2 playoff spots.  Things get real interesting this week, as the BirdBang and RageAHolics face off in our Game of the Week!  Both of those teams have overcome a TON of injuries, and most of their draft picks aren't even on their roster anymore, but they are currently sitting in the #3 and #4 seeds in the Mantooth Conference.  The BirdBang has lost 5 of their first 6 draft picks (Andrew Luck - Injury, Justin Forsett - Injury, Mike Evans - Injury then Trade, Joseph Randle - Injury, Release, probably jail time, and Vincent Jackson - Injury).  The RageAHolics have lost their first 4 picks (Jamaal - Injury, Alshon - recurring injuries, Gore - Trade, Edelman - Injury).  Somehow, these two have kept grinding, and are still alive.  In-credible.

Speaking of playoffs, I should probably remind you queers how the playoff seeds work.

We have 2 conferences (Burgundy and Mantooth).
In each conference, we have 2 divisions:

Burgundy North:

• Nators
• BirdGang
• Llama Fixers

Burgundy South:

• Cardinals
• Forever Unclean
• Luck her in the Percy

Mantooth North:

• Kocks
• Phillips-Skins
• RageAHolics

Mantooth South:

• Outlaws
• BirdBang
• Cobras

The top team in each division makes the playoffs as the #1 and #2 seed.  The next 2 best team in each conference will make the playoffs as a wildcard team.

In Week 14, the playoffs start.  the #1 seeds play the #4 seeds, and the #2's play the #3's.  The winners face off the following week, to determine our conference champions, and in Week 16, the two conference champs square off in the Coastal Cup.

As we decided on draft day, the winner gets $1,000 (and hosts the draft party next year), and the runner up gets $200 (both of those fuckers will be automatically pre-paying their dues for next year, by the way).

Let me know if you have any questions about that.  Now... on to the rankings!

Don't look now, but the Nators might finally have a running back

1.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 8-3) - The 'nators are in 1st place overall, 2nd in total points scored, and have clinched a playoff berth.  They also just snagged the #1 free agent pickup, Thomas Rawls, who should be a RB1 for the remainder of the season.

Do we have any other WR's that Bob can start?

2.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 6-5) - In Week 10, the Outlaws failed to break 100 for the first time this season.  In Week 11, they didn't even break 85.  They'll look to get on track against a fairly weak remaining schedule, and will clinch a playoff spot with a win this week.

Hey Phil, how does it feel losing back to back games against the Kocks?

3.  The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 8-3) - The Phillips-Skins just lost 2 straight games to the 9th place Kocks, and that's gotta leave a bad taste in their owner's mouth.  They can take some solace in the fact that their best 2 players were on a bye, and they've clinched a top-2 seed in the Mantooth Conference.

Tony has been working on his arts & crafts while he was on IR

4.  Forever Unclean (record = 7-4) - This team has been grinding all year, and have finally leapfrogged the Cardinals… finding themselves in 3rd place in the Burgundy Conference.  They could propel themselves into 1st place overall with a win this week.

You should've eaten more of those Skittles, Marshawn.

5.  Judson Cardinals (record = 6-5) - It's been a quiet year for the Cardinals… but they find themselves in 4th place in the Burgundy Conference, and have their playoff spot locked up.  If their underachieving WR's get on track, this team could make some noise in the playoffs.

Carson has one last message for his former team.

6.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 8-3) - This team looked like a contender early in the season, but they've managed to fuck it all up, thanks to a dizzying amount of trade offers.  I could see them having a couple of big weeks…. But this roster doesn't look like the type to win 3 straight in the post-season

Hey Rodgers, if Adam misses the playoffs, you better start wearing a disguise.

7.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 5-6) - The defending champs aren't putting up much a defense this year.  They are the 4th-lowest scoring team, and have been extremely inconsistent.  They need to win 1 (if not both) of the next 2 (and 4 of their next 5) if they are going to defend their title.

You're telling me Mike White might actually make the playoffs???

8.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 6-5) - Team BirdBang currently sitting at 6-5, but they are the lowest-scoring team in the Mantooth Conference (by a wide margin), so they're not going to win any tie-breakers for playoff seeding.  That means that this week's game against the RageAHolics is a must-win, before facing the Phillips-Skins in Week 13.

I'll see YOU next week, Adam!

9.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 5-6) - Somehow, the Rageaholics have won 3 in a row… even with all of the injuries that they've suffered.  If they playoffs started today, they'd have the 4 seed… but it's gonna be a dogfight to hold off the 9th place Kocks, who are right on their heels.

Come December, the Cobras might have a lot of time to contemplate where it all went wrong.

10.  Mexican Cobras (record = 3-8) - The Cobras have been absolutely decimated by injuries this year, and they've really taken their toll.  They'll need to win-out to make the playoffs.

Probably shouldn't have pinned your hopes on this guy

11.  Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 3-8) - This team has been eliminated from playoff contention.  Better luck next year!

12.  Llama Fixers (record = 1-10) - This team has also been eliminated from playoff contention.  Better luck next year!

2015 Week 9 Power Rankings

Helloooooooooo, and welcome to Turd Ferguson's Power Rankings!  Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

We are at the half-way point in the 2015 season, and what a wild trip it's been so far!  We actually have 3 teams who could clinch the playoffs this week!  The 'nators, Cardinals, and BirdGang can all clinch their playoff berth with a win this week, or with a loss by both Luck Her Right in the Percy (god I hate that name) and the Llama Fixers.  Considering that two of those 3 teams suck balls, that's pretty crazy, no?

Things are a little more murky in the Mantooth Conference, but it's looking like it will be the Phillips-Skins and the Outlaws in the playoffs for sure.  The other 2 spots are totally up for grabs between the rest of the shitty teams in that conference.

Before we get into the rankings, a few stats:

• Average Points Per Game (PPG) this season:  111.07
• Number of teams averaging under 111 PPG:  4 (Kocks, Percy, Llamas, BirdBang)
• Number of teams averaging over 120 PPG:  2 (Outlaws & Phillips-Skins)

• Devonta Freeman is the #1 RB through week 8 
• He has 62 points more than the #2 RB (Mark Ingram)
• Both players belong to the Phillips-Skins
• If you took away every one of Freeman's 10 TD's this season, he would still be the #1 RB

• The Phillips-Skins, BirdGang, and Forever Unclean each own 2 of the top 10 non-QB's
• The 'nators own 3

• Number of trades, weeks 1-4:  0
• Number of trades, weeks 5-9:  6
• Number of trades offered by Jake:  30,416,163 (and counting)

• Team with the most of their original draft picks still on their roster:  Judson Cardinals (10)
• Team with the least:  Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (4)

• Number of teams who have yet to pay their dues:  4 (you know who you are.  I start naming names next week!)

Well that's enough of that.  Let's get to those rankings!

Pucker-up, douchebags

1.  The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 7-1) - The Phillips-Skins have a ridiculous stable of RB's, that should be enough to carry their team most weeks.  I don't love their WR's….. But I don't think it really matters.

You thought Bob was screwed when Bell got hurt, didn't you?

2.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 5-3) - The Outlaws are still the highest-scoring team in the league, and it's not even close.  Loaded with talent at every position, the loss of Le'Veon Bell might not even hurt that much.

Thanks for letting a real team have me, Jake!

3.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 6-2) - The 'nators find themselves in a 3-way tie for 1st place in the Burgundy Conference.  A couple of weeks ago, it was looking like they had the worst RB-corp in the league, but Jonathan Stewart and Charknado West have both looked like solid starters lately.  Add them to this already-loaded roster, and it's looking like the 'nators can kick their feet up and coast to the playoffs.

Garret vs. Jeff next week!  Getcha popcorn ready!

4.  Forever Unclean (record = 4-4) - The highest-scoring team in the Burgundy Conference finds themselves in 4th place, thanks to losing two different games by 0.4 points.  Things should normalize over the course of the season.  In fact, I'd be shocked if this team loses 2 more games this year.

Jake's new team logo

5.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 6-2) - Ugh…. I'm not impressed by this team at all.  Carson Palmer's old ass has been good this year (although if you ask Jake, he has had nothing to do with the success of this team).  All of their RB's are scrubs who play for terrible teams.  This team is a house of cards.

I threw 6 TD's and he still lost?

6.  Mexican Cobras (record = 3-5) - This team looked terrifying at the start of the season.  But injuries have taken their toll, as they've lost Arian Foster for the season, lost Dez for half the season, and now Carlos Hyde is injured.  They'll need a bit of luck if they are going to stay ahead of the Kocks in the Mantooth Conference.

Good game, Drew.  How many TD's will you throw this week?

7.  Judson Cardinals (record = 6-2) - If Drew Brees can put up 60 points a week, I'll like this team's chances.  Otherwise, the Cardinals are looking like the 4th best team in the Burgundy Conference.

Melvin Gordon in 4 years...

8.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 3-5) - The defending champs find themselves bringing up the rear of the Mantooth Conference.  They do have some firepower, but not very much depth.  Thankfully, the competition doesn't look too strong in the Mantooth Conference this year, so this team will probably still make the playoffs.

Mike's in 3rd place????

9.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 4-4) - The BirdBang has actually caught a break, for once.  They're the lowest-scoring team in the league, but their only 2nd-lowest in points against, so they are currently the 3 seed in the Mantooth Conference.  If Andrew Luck can start playing well, and if DeSean Jackson will return to the field, Mike White might actually make the playoffs this year.

Thanks for not trading me to Jake's team, Rizzo

10.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-6) - I think the Jamaal Charles injury will be too much for this team to overcome.  If they had racked up some wins early in the year, they might have been able sputter along to the playoffs, but 2-6 might be too deep of a hole to claw their way out of.  They recently upgraded their QB (and are still the 5th highest-scoring team in the league), so don't count them out yet.

Please god, don't let them trade me to Jake's team

11.  Llama Fixers (record = 1-7) - If the NCFFL had adopted "Point Per Shitty Trade Offer Received" scoring, the Llama fixers would be in 1st place right now.  We will consider changing the scoring for next year, Bill!

This team is so depressing, I can't even think of a funny caption

12.  Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 1-7) - This team has been insanely unlucky this year.  4 of their 7 losses have been by less than 7 points.  Their team doesn't even look that bad on paper.  Maybe it's karma for not paying their dues?

Well, that's it for this week.  Good luck this week bitches!

~TF

2015 Week 6 Power Rankings

Hello Douchebags!  Thanks for joining me for the Week 6 Power Rankings!  With more than 1/4 of the season in the books, we head into Week 6 with some intriguing matchups, headlined by the top 2 teams in the Burgundy Conference... the 'nators and the BirdGang...LIVE, from Ralph Wilson Stadium.

That's right, Rizzo and Jake will be going to the Bills game on Sunday, the same week that they play each other.  Which can only mean one thing.... Rizzo will be thoroughly annoyed, because Jake will be giving play by play fantasy updates all day long. 

Rizzo may resort to doing this, just so he can stop listening to Jake's constant scoring updates

There are some other interesting mathups.... but who gives a shit?  I know you bitches are just here for my Power Rankings, so here they are:

Just kidding.  Before I show you the Week 6 Rankings, I just want to remind you all that I'm still waiting on dues from a good number of you.  If you aren't sure if you've paid yet, you can check right here.  Please pay your dues ASAP.  You can send a check to:

Mike Rizzo

768 Yorkshire Circle

Webster, NY  14580

Rizzo is a pretty cool guy, who also takes Paypal, so if you'd rather just break out the ol' credit card, that's fine by me.  Just let Rizzo know if you want him to send you a Paypal invoice, and you can pay pretty easily that way.

Ok.  Enough of that business.  Let's get on to the rankings, shall we???

1st place is great, Jerry!

1.  The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 5-0) - Something must be in the water over there at 960, because perennial Sack-O Samson Morreall and his Phillips-Skins are the league's only undefeated team.

All you other teams better say uncle!  SAY UNCLE!

2.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-1) - If the 'nators can continue win 50% of their games until Big Ben returns, they should be in great shape once the playoffs start.  Bungles QB/Ginger Andy Dalton should help hold down the fort until Ben comes back.

You were SO close this week, Bob

3.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 2-3) - Tough break for the Outlaws.  They're the highest-scoring team in the league, but only managed to win 2 games.  They'll try to get back on track against Mike White's BirdBang next week.

There better be a f'n Stat Correction this week

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 2-3) - Nothing sucks more than losing in the final minutes of Monday Night Football, but that's just what happened to the Cobras this week.  This team is still scoring points, so when Dez returns they should be in good shape.

I'm not gonna bail you out every week, bro

5.  Judson Cardinals (record = 3-2) - Getting blown out by a winless team really hurts.  Getting a combined 14.5 points from your first 4 draft picks hurts even more.

I get to keep all that Sassy Sauce you gave me, right?

6.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 3-2) - The Cardinals were one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league heading into Week 5 (thanks to colossal bust of a 1st round pick CJ Anderson), but they absolutely exploded this week, dropping 137 on Garret A. Gusto.  Meddling owner Jacob Phillips was quick to trade away some quality players on Sunday night, however.  I'm sure this won't come back to bite him in the ass.

Something tells me Graham will be riding the pine this week

7.  Forever Unclean (record = 2-3) - If owner Garret Agosto had started Eifert over Jimmy Graham, they would've gotten the victory over the BirdGang this week, but that bench blunder cost them a victory (and you know this one really stings).

"He traded me for 2 guys on Mike White's bench!"

8.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 3-2) - Don't look now, but the Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang are in 2nd place in the Mantooth Conference, and may have just trade-raped Rizzo for Antonio Gates (who is currently the #23 TE, despite having missed the first 4 games).  Things are looking up in Smoke-la-homa.

It's hard to trend down when you only scored 49 points last week

9.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 2-3) - The Kocks squeaked out a win over the Rage-A-Holics this week, and they more than doubled their Week 4 point total.  #TrendingUp

This many weeks until Ricky drops me.

10.  Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 1-4) - Heading into Week 5, this team had the most points scored against them….by far (132 points per game), which lead to their 0-4 start.  This is not a bad team, however, so if Ricky's luck can turn around, he should have a chance to get himself off the ropes.

Owww!  My season outlook!

11.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-3) - Not only did the Ragers lose a heartbreaker to the Kocks this week, they also lost their best player for the season.  This team is known for making late-season runs, so we can't count them out just yet.

If you put all your hope into Jets receivers, you're gonna have a bad time.

12.  Llama Fixers (record = 1-4) - Injuries and underachieving players have led to a slow start out of the gates for the Llama Fixers, in their debut NCFFL season.  Safe to say it's not all puppies & rainbows in Llama-ville.

Well, that's it for this week.  Go fuck yourselves, NCFFL!

~TF

2015 Week 3 Power Rankings

Good afternoon, ladies!  Turd Ferguson here, with your Week 3 Power Rankings!

Things are really starting to heat up here in NCFFL-land, am I right?  We still have 3 undefeated teams, and 2 of them square off this week!  That would be the Cardinals and the Phillips-Skins, of course.  In case you hadn't noticed, any team with a bird-related name has been downright terrible this year, and don't let their 2-0 record fool you...the Cardinals are no different.  For example, they currently have Nick Fales and Scott Chandler in their starting lineup.  Please join me in LOL'ing (Jeff really likes it when you LOL).  Where will the Cardinals fall in my Power Rankings?  Read on and find out, bitch!

Here we go:

Bob is ready to unleash the beast

1.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 1-1) - The Outlaws made it through Le'Veon Bell's suspension with an even 1-1 record, and will now unleash the #1 Fantasy RB on the NCFFL.  Get ready…

You were a little premature on the Tony Romo hairdo, Garret.  I'm sure the Tyrod Taylor one will look great too though!

2.  Forever Unclean (record = 1-1) - After an impressive Week 1 performance, this team laid an egg in Week 2.  Garret will need to guess right every week if he's going to put his best lineup on the field.

My kitty is better at Fantasy Football than most of you queers.

3.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 2-0) - The 'nators are currently undefeated, as well as the league's highest-scoring team…. All this in spite of their RB's.  This team is pretty top-heavy, so one injury could be a death-blow.

Who has 2 thumbs, and isn't someone you'd want as your starting QB?

4.  Mexican Cobras (record = 1-1) - The Cobras have a slew of injuries at the moment, but they have a very favorable upcoming schedule (their next 4 opponents have a combined record of 2-6), so they might be able to weather this storm.

I'm gonna be SO PISSED if we win the Sack-O again this year!

5.  The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 2-0) - The Phillips-Skins may finally shed the Sack-O title this year….. But this doesn't look like a championship team either.

If Alex wins the championship again this year, he will adopt this hairstyle.

6.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 1-1) - Tony Clifton has actually put together a pretty solid team this year.  I don't love Russell Wilson, or their TE situation, but they don't really have any glaring weaknesses.

Why did he name his team after Andrew Luck and Percy Harvin, if he wasn't going to draft either of them?

7.  Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 0-2) - This team has had some bad luck to start the season.  They are 5th highest in Points Scored, but 1st in Points Against.  Things won't be getting any easier, as they face the Kocks this wee…. What's that?   The Kocks suck balls?  Nice!  Savor this victory, Rickie!

Remember back when Jeff's team was good?

8.  Judson Cardinals (record = 2-0) - The Drew Brees injury might hurt….. Then again, maybe not.

Hey DeMarco, how many Yards Per Carry do you think you'll have this season?

9.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 0-2) - The Kocks are one of the lowest-scoring teams in the league, but that could all change very soon.  Gurley and Bryant will both be making their debuts soon, and the Kocks are banking on them to right this ship before it's too late.

He's trying to trade everybody EXCEPT me?  Get me out of this dumpster fire!

10.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 0-2) - Considering the fact that it's just a matter of time before Jake's best players end up on other teams, he really needed to start the season with some wins.  Instead, Jake is 0-2, and behind in the count.

The Llama's championship hopes may have driven away on that cart too

11.  Llama Fixers (record = 1-1) - This team should worrry less about fixing Llamas, and more about fixing their roster.  4 of their projected starters are currently injured, and they are running low on quality depth.

Andrew Luck's reaction when he learned that he was drafted by Mike White...

12.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 1-1) - The BirdBang is dead-last in Points Against, but they've only managed to score 150 total points in 2 weeks.  The Sack-O Trophy might not leave 960 Klem Road this year.

Ok, that's it for this week.  Don't forget to pay your dues!!!

~TF