The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson (Week 13)

Good afternoon bitches!  It's your Week 13 Playoff Picture, with me...Turd Ferguson!

Week 12 was a wild one, and the playoff picture is starting to take shape.  With only 1 week remaining in the regular season, things are pretty much wrapped up in the Mantooth Conference.  Only 1 playoff spot has yet to be decided in the Conference.  The Burgundy Conference, on the other hand, is a giant clusterfuck.  3 teams have punched their ticket, and 2 of them actually have their seeds locked up as well.  But then we have 3 teams fighting for the remaining 1 playoff spots.

As if the tension couldn't get any higher this week, let me bring your attention to the schedule.  As you may remember, this week has been dubbed "A Very NCFFL Thanksgiving"!  That's right, it's Thanksgiving week, and nothing says Thanksgiving like a bunch of family-members getting pissed at each other.  With that in mind, the schedule makers have picked some great matchups for this week!  Rizzo plays Jake, Jeff plays Garret, Sam plays Mike, and Adam plays Alex.  It's good to know that half of you will be truely miserable this Thanksgiving!

This is getting intense!  Let's see how things are shaking out, shall we?

THE BURGUNDY CONFERENCE

1.  Judson Cardinals (record = 8-4) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Burgundy Conference

2.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 6-6) - Has clinched a playoff spot.  Can clinch the #2 seed with a win this week (vs. Nators), or by scoring no more than 21 points less than the 'nators this week

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 6-6) - Has clinched the #3 seed in the Burgundy Conference

4.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 5-7) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week (vs. Jake).  Can also sneak in with a loss, and a Dirty Mike win (vs. Nate), and by outscoring Dirty Mike by 26 points.  Can also get the #2 seed by beating Jake by at least 22 points.

5.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 4-8) - Can get the #4 seed with a win, and a 'nators loss

6.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-8) - Can get the #4 seed with a win, and a 'nators loss, as long as the 'nators don't outscore them 26 points.

THE MANTOOTH CONFERENCE

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 11-1) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Mantooth Conference

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 7-5) - Has clinched the #2 seed in the Mantooth Conference

3.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 8-4) - Has clinched the #3 seed in the Mantooth Conference

4.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 6-6) - Will clinch the #4 seed with a win this week, or with a Phillips Skins loss, or by outscoring the Phillips Skins by 9 points this week.

5.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-7) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week (vs. Huskies), and an Outlaws loss (vs. Cobras), and by scoring no more than 8 points less than the Outlaws this week.

6.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-10) - Better luck next year!

Well that's it for this week.  Join me next week for a very special Playoff Preview!

~TF

The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson (Week 12)

Good afternoon bitches!  Welcome to The Playoff Picture, with Turd Ferguson!

The 2014 Regular Season is almost over, which means that it's almost time for the Playoffs!

Playoffs?  Yes, Jim.  Playoffs!

I know there have been some questions to how the playoff seedings work, so let me break it down for you.

There are 2 conferences (Burgundy and Mantooth).  Within each conference, there are 2 divisions (North and South).  The divisions are as follows:

BURGUNDY NORTH
Impregnators
Jakes Shitty Team Name
Turn Down for WATT

BURGUNDY SOUTH
Cardinals
Forever Unclean
Dirty Mike and the Boys

MANTOOTH NORTH
Kocks
Rage-A-Holics
Phillips Skins

MANTOOTH SOUTH
Outlaws
Cobras
Husky Fuckers

4 teams from each Conference make the playoffs.  The 2 division-winners get the #1 and #2 seeds, and the next 2 best teams are Wild Card teams, and will get the #3 and #4 seeds.  In week 14, the #1 seed plays the #4 seed, and the #2 plays the #3.  The two winners play in week 15 to determine our Conference Champs, and the two Conference Champs play in the Coastal Bowl in week 16.

If you are having trouble understanding all of that....well...then I don't know what to say.  You may want to consider the possibility that you are a moron, because it's not that hard.

1st place wins the Coastal Cup, and $900.  They also pre-pay for next year's dues (so I have one less person to hound next off-season), so I will be handing you $800 cash money as soon as the championship game goes final.  2nd place doubles their money, and takes home $200.

Now, there is also the dreaded Sack-O Tournanment.  The 2 worst teams from each conference get a much-needed week off in Week 14.  I suggest that they use this time to reflect on how exactly their season went so terribly wrong, and think about if they need to make some serious changes in their lives.  Poor bastards.  Then in Week 15, the #5 and #6 seed from each conference do battle, with the losers playing in the Sack-O Bowl.  Punishment for this year's Sack-O is yet to be determined (it probably won't be too serious, because I'm in the running for it).

One item of note....if you find yourself in the Sack-O Tournament, don't be a dick and rush to sign free agents on Tuesday mornings.  There is no rule against signing free agents once you've been mathematically eliminated, per se, but it's a dick move, when other guys have money on the line.  I know nobody want to be the Sack-O, but try to make due with the guys you have, and don't Kock-block other teams who are still competing.  Know your role.  Last year I tried locking rosters of teams who were eliminated, but that was met with lots of tears and anger (even though the people who were angry about it were the same people who were super pissed back in '08 when Sam, who was eliminated from the playoffs, kock-blocked them by signing free agents....funny how that works).  So for this year, I'm not going to lock rosters....but we'll talk about that for next year.  Just don't go signing free agents unless you really can't make due with the guys on your roster, ok?

So now that we got all of that out of the way, let's see how things currently line up, shall we?

BURGUNDY CONFERENCE

San Diego's #1 Fantasy Football Conference

1.  Judson Cardinals (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the playoffs.  Can clinch the #1 seed with a win this week.  Is a lucky bitch.

2.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 6-5) - Needs one win over the final 2 weeks to clinch the playoffs.  Can clinch the #2 seed with a win and an Unclean loss this week.

3.  Forever Unclean (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #3 seed with a win over Dirty Mike this week.

4.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 4-7) - Currently in a 3-way tie for the 4 seed, but leads based on total points scored.  Can't clinch this week…but could have it pretty much locked up with a win vs. the 'nators, and a Dirty Mike loss.

5.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Turn Down 4 WATT loss to move into the 4th seed.  Then needs to beat Turn Down 4 WATT next week.  Can also get in with a loss this week, and a win next week, along with a 'nators loss next week.

6.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-7) - Needs a win and a Dirty Mike loss to move into the #4 seed.  Then needs a win or a Turn Down for Watt loss to Dirty Mike next week (and also needs to outscore Dirty Mike by 30 points over the next 2 weeks)

MANTOOTH CONFERENCE

Watch your back, Burgundy!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 10-1) - Has clinched the #1 seed in the Mantooth Conference

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 7-4) - Has clinched the #2 seed in the Mantooth Conference

3.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 7-4) - Can clinch the #3 seed with one more win, or with one loss each from the Phillips Skins and Outlaws (they play each other this week).

4.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-6) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win this week, or with a win next week (vs. Huskies) and an Outlaws loss next week (vs. Cobras), and by outscoring the Outlaws by 62 over the next 2 weeks

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 5-6) - Can get the 4 seed with a win this week and either a win or a Phillips Skins loss next week.

6.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-9) - Better luck next year!

That's it for this week.  I'll be back next week to let you know who's in, who's out, and who is still fighting to keep their season alive!

~TF

NCFFL Week 10 Gay-Ass Power Rankings

Hola bitches!  Turd Ferguson here with your Week 10 Power Rankings!

Last week was a bad week for the Rizzo family, as literally everybody with any relation to Rizzo suffered a brutal defeat.  Jeff, Jake, Nate, Garret, and of course, Rizzo himself all lost to teams in the shitty Mantooth Conference.  Can they bounce back this week?  Probably not.  But let's go ahead an rank them anyway!

Still #1 bitches!

1.  Stone Cold Killer Kocks (record = 9-0) - Not only are the Kocks the highest-scoring team in the league, they also have the least amount of Points Against.  Only 842.02 points have been scored against them all year (that's less points than if they had played the Husky Fuckers every week).  The stars may be aligning for the Kocks this year.

Who you calling a pretender?

2.  Mexican Cobras (record = 6-3) - Fresh off of a King of the Week performance vs. the Cardinals, the Mexican Cobras are primed to do it again against a reeling 'nators team this week.

No Sack-O this year?

3.  Washington Phillips Skins (record = 5-4) - The Phillips Skins got a big win against the 'nators last week, and their team is suddenly looking dangerous.

What hurts most is my butthole #HarrisonEffect

4.  Judson Cardinals (record = 5-4) - Injuries hit the Cardinals hard last week.  This week, they'll be hit even harder by bye-weeks.

Can I still do the "Superman" celebration?

5.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 4-5) - After going on a 3-game winning streak and claiming to be contenders, the Outlaws have failed to break 85 points in back-to-back weeks, and appear to be pretenders

6.  Forever Unclean (record = 3-6) - If I wasn't such a heartless prick, I'd feel bad for this team.  2nd highest-scoring team in the league, but 1180 points against.  That's like playing the Kocks + 4 points every single week.  It's time to stop making excuses, and win some f'n ball games.

We scored 89 points...and WON?

7.  Dirty Mike and the Boys (record = 4-5) - This team would be in terrible shape, if they weren't the only team in the Burgundy Conference to win last week.  Now they find themselves in 2nd place in the Burgundy Conference.

Something tells me this will be the last time I have to google a pic of Mike Evans

8.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 5-4) - Despite being severaly short on talent, a monster game from Mike Evans was enough to propel this shitty team past Nate's shitty team last week.

"You have HOW MANY Bucs running backs???"

9.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 4-5) - It appears that Calvin Johnson will finally be back in the lineup this week…but is it too little too late for the 'nators?

Winning just feels so good, and....I...I'm sorry...I can't do this...

10.  The Husky Fuckers (record = 2-7) - The Husky Fuckers came out of nowhere to put a whoopin' on Forever Unclean.  They'll look to do the same this week in the Husky Bowl.

Was Jake Locker available?

11.  It's Going To Be A Kicker Year (record = 4-5) - Jake's Shitty Team has lost 3 straight games, and 4 out of 5 since the infamous Jordy Nelson trade.

Wilson has spoken out against owner Nate Phillips, saying Nate is "not black enough"

12.  Turn Down 4 WATT (record = 3-6) - After a couple of huge weeks earlier in the season, The Herdsmen have lost 4 straight games, including this "Slouch Of The Week" performance.  They now find themselves in last place in the Burgundy Conference.