My fellow NCFFL-ites.... Welcome to the incredibly huge, very very huge and great 2016 NCFFL Playoffs!
Congratulations to all of you who made the playoffs this year. You are all big time, and you all get to continue playing this fantasized football game for another week at least. To the four of you who didn’t make the playoffs, let me just say, and this is probably going to be controversial, and they’re telling me not to say this, but you guys just aren’t winners. You’re not a winner like me, or the 8 teams who made the playoffs. Not winners at all. You’re losers, folks. But that’s ok. No, it’s ok, we need to have some losers in the league too. So we have our winners, and they are in the playoffs, and then we have you losers over there, and you guys get to sit and watch. You watch while these big, beautiful winners battle it out in the playoffs.
To our playoff teams, I know you all want to be WINNERS, but there can only be one winner, and so we’ve devised an incredibly great playoff system to determine who that one winner will be. These playoffs are gonna be so huge, people. In case you don’t remember, the #1 seeds will play the #4 seeds. And this is really quite unbelievable, but the #2 seeds will play the #3 seeds. The winners of those two games will square off next week in the Conference Championships. Then, and this is the best part, honestly, because it’s just so brilliant, the two Conference Champions will square off in Week 16 for the Coastal Cup! Can you believe that? Not only will the winner get a huge, amazing trophy, a years worth of bragging rights, but they’ll also get a cool $900. I know $900 doesn’t really sound like a lot of money, but for these guys it’s good, so that’s what we’ll do. 2nd place doubles their money, and scores $200. The 3rd place team (to be determined by the Week 16 Consolation Game) will get their initial $100 investment back. What a great deal, huh? The payouts used to be different, but the Commissioner brought me in this year to negotiate a new deal, and this is really just the best deal we’ve ever had in the NCFFL. So great. So great. Now, we should mention that it’s expected that the champion hosts, and foots the bill for the draft party next year, so that’s good too. #MakeTheDraftGreatAgain
We’ve got some great matchups this year, and I know you are all wondering who is going to win the Coastal Cup. So I’m just going to tell you now. That’s right, I’m so very very smart that I already know who the winners and losers will be. I know you guys usually brought in the Fortune Teller to do this kind of stuff, but it turns out that the Fortune Teller was just incredibly corrupt. He was the most corrupt person you’ve ever brought into the NCFFL. In fact, people are saying that the Fortune Teller was involved in some very shady business dealings. Not good. Not good. So he’s out, and I’m here and I’m going to tell you right now who’s going to win. Here we go:
QUARTERFINALS
Mantooth Conference
(1) T. Clifton RageAHolics vs. (4) Oakland Outlaws
Here we have a great matchup between two of the original NCFFL Teams. These teams are so great. A lot of history here. Can you believe these guys have 3 championships between them? One of them is going to win this week, and this is a tough one to call. On the one hand, Bob has Aaron Rodgers, Antonio Brown and Jay Ajayi. But Rodgers plays Seattle, and Ajayi plays Arizona. On the other hand, Alex has Julio Jones, TY Hilton, and LeGarrette Blount. But their starting QB is Andy Dalton, and that guy is a loser. Big, big, red haired loser. And Julio is hurt, as usual. So who’s gonna win? It’s anyone’s guess. Actually, it’s my guess, and I never guess, so it’s my….my….. what’s the opposite of guess? Anybody know? No? Ok, well whatever it is, here it is:
Result: Dalton gets it done, tosses 3 TD’s, and the RageAHolics win.
(2) The Mexican Cobra vs. (3) The Smoke-la-homa BirdBang
This is a really crazy game, because the BirdBang was the best team for most of the year. They won the points title, and they were looking like the team to beat. But their team kinda went to shit. AJ Green is still hurt, and he won’t play this week, so the BirdBang will be starting the likes of Pierre Garcon this week. That’s not good, folks. They also have Jordy Nelson against Seattle and Demarco Murray vs. Denver. Neither are good matchups. The Cobras have better matchups, with Freeman against the Rams, Cooks against the Bucs, and Walker against Denver.
Result: Kirk Cousins takes advantage of Leodis McKelvin and the Eagles secondary, propelling the BirdBang to victory.
Burgundy Conference
(1) Donalds Trumpets vs. (4) North Penfield Impregnators
There is so many great storylines with this game, I just don’t even know where to start. I guess I have to start with the fact that Rickie gave his team such a great, great name. It’s so great. What a stupendous name to give you team, really. Another great thing about this game is that half of Rizzo’s players started the season on Rickie’s team, and vice-versa. Rickie traded Brees and Beckham to Rizzo, and Rizzo traded McCoy and Stafford to Rickie. Just incredible. Rizzo’s team has literally no talent at RB, and they are overmatched at TE. WR’s are probably a push.
Result: After scoring only 7 points last week, Brees has a huge, huge game, and the Nators pull the upset.
(2) Oklahoma Beach BirdGang vs. (3) Barrow Hill Bulldogs
In this matchup, we have two fine Americans facing off for a trip to the Burgundy Conference finals. Jakey started real slow, but is getting hot at the right time. I’d give him credit for stashing Thomas Rawls and Ladarius Green all year, but he cut Green as soon as he got healthy, and he tried desperately tried trading Rawls to every team in the league. Jeff, on the other hand, drafted his team full of old guys, and is sticking with them. Will it pay off? No.
Result: Jake starts the wrong QB, but David Johnson has a monster game, and the BirdGang advance.
Had enough? Didn’t think so. Here are the results of the Week 15 games:
CONFERENCE FINALS
Mantooth Conference
(1) T. Clifton RageAHolics vs. (4) Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang
Result: The RageAHolics get the W, and go to their millionth Coastal Bowl.
Burgundy Conference
(2) Oklahoma Beach Birdgang vs. (4) North Penfield Impregnators
Result: The Birdgang’s hot streak continues, they get the win, and advance to their first ever Coastal Bowl.
Who will win the championship? I know, but I’m not going to tell you. I’m going to leave you in suspense. You’re going to have to stay tuned to find out!
~DT
