2015 Week 9 Power Rankings

Helloooooooooo, and welcome to Turd Ferguson's Power Rankings!  Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

We are at the half-way point in the 2015 season, and what a wild trip it's been so far!  We actually have 3 teams who could clinch the playoffs this week!  The 'nators, Cardinals, and BirdGang can all clinch their playoff berth with a win this week, or with a loss by both Luck Her Right in the Percy (god I hate that name) and the Llama Fixers.  Considering that two of those 3 teams suck balls, that's pretty crazy, no?

Things are a little more murky in the Mantooth Conference, but it's looking like it will be the Phillips-Skins and the Outlaws in the playoffs for sure.  The other 2 spots are totally up for grabs between the rest of the shitty teams in that conference.

Before we get into the rankings, a few stats:

• Average Points Per Game (PPG) this season:  111.07
• Number of teams averaging under 111 PPG:  4 (Kocks, Percy, Llamas, BirdBang)
• Number of teams averaging over 120 PPG:  2 (Outlaws & Phillips-Skins)

• Devonta Freeman is the #1 RB through week 8 
• He has 62 points more than the #2 RB (Mark Ingram)
• Both players belong to the Phillips-Skins
• If you took away every one of Freeman's 10 TD's this season, he would still be the #1 RB

• The Phillips-Skins, BirdGang, and Forever Unclean each own 2 of the top 10 non-QB's
• The 'nators own 3

• Number of trades, weeks 1-4:  0
• Number of trades, weeks 5-9:  6
• Number of trades offered by Jake:  30,416,163 (and counting)

• Team with the most of their original draft picks still on their roster:  Judson Cardinals (10)
• Team with the least:  Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (4)

• Number of teams who have yet to pay their dues:  4 (you know who you are.  I start naming names next week!)

Well that's enough of that.  Let's get to those rankings!

Pucker-up, douchebags

1.  The Washington Phillips-Skins (record = 7-1) - The Phillips-Skins have a ridiculous stable of RB's, that should be enough to carry their team most weeks.  I don't love their WR's….. But I don't think it really matters.

You thought Bob was screwed when Bell got hurt, didn't you?

2.  Oakland Outlaws (record = 5-3) - The Outlaws are still the highest-scoring team in the league, and it's not even close.  Loaded with talent at every position, the loss of Le'Veon Bell might not even hurt that much.

Thanks for letting a real team have me, Jake!

3.  North Penfield Impregnators (record = 6-2) - The 'nators find themselves in a 3-way tie for 1st place in the Burgundy Conference.  A couple of weeks ago, it was looking like they had the worst RB-corp in the league, but Jonathan Stewart and Charknado West have both looked like solid starters lately.  Add them to this already-loaded roster, and it's looking like the 'nators can kick their feet up and coast to the playoffs.

Garret vs. Jeff next week!  Getcha popcorn ready!

4.  Forever Unclean (record = 4-4) - The highest-scoring team in the Burgundy Conference finds themselves in 4th place, thanks to losing two different games by 0.4 points.  Things should normalize over the course of the season.  In fact, I'd be shocked if this team loses 2 more games this year.

Jake's new team logo

5.  Oklahoma Beach BirdGang (record = 6-2) - Ugh…. I'm not impressed by this team at all.  Carson Palmer's old ass has been good this year (although if you ask Jake, he has had nothing to do with the success of this team).  All of their RB's are scrubs who play for terrible teams.  This team is a house of cards.

I threw 6 TD's and he still lost?

6.  Mexican Cobras (record = 3-5) - This team looked terrifying at the start of the season.  But injuries have taken their toll, as they've lost Arian Foster for the season, lost Dez for half the season, and now Carlos Hyde is injured.  They'll need a bit of luck if they are going to stay ahead of the Kocks in the Mantooth Conference.

Good game, Drew.  How many TD's will you throw this week?

7.  Judson Cardinals (record = 6-2) - If Drew Brees can put up 60 points a week, I'll like this team's chances.  Otherwise, the Cardinals are looking like the 4th best team in the Burgundy Conference.

Melvin Gordon in 4 years...

8.  Klem Road Killer Kocks (record = 3-5) - The defending champs find themselves bringing up the rear of the Mantooth Conference.  They do have some firepower, but not very much depth.  Thankfully, the competition doesn't look too strong in the Mantooth Conference this year, so this team will probably still make the playoffs.

Mike's in 3rd place????

9.  The Smoke-la-homa Beach BirdBang (record = 4-4) - The BirdBang has actually caught a break, for once.  They're the lowest-scoring team in the league, but their only 2nd-lowest in points against, so they are currently the 3 seed in the Mantooth Conference.  If Andrew Luck can start playing well, and if DeSean Jackson will return to the field, Mike White might actually make the playoffs this year.

Thanks for not trading me to Jake's team, Rizzo

10.  T. Clifton Rageaholics (record = 2-6) - I think the Jamaal Charles injury will be too much for this team to overcome.  If they had racked up some wins early in the year, they might have been able sputter along to the playoffs, but 2-6 might be too deep of a hole to claw their way out of.  They recently upgraded their QB (and are still the 5th highest-scoring team in the league), so don't count them out yet.

Please god, don't let them trade me to Jake's team

11.  Llama Fixers (record = 1-7) - If the NCFFL had adopted "Point Per Shitty Trade Offer Received" scoring, the Llama fixers would be in 1st place right now.  We will consider changing the scoring for next year, Bill!

This team is so depressing, I can't even think of a funny caption

12.  Luck Her Right in the Percy (record = 1-7) - This team has been insanely unlucky this year.  4 of their 7 losses have been by less than 7 points.  Their team doesn't even look that bad on paper.  Maybe it's karma for not paying their dues?

Well, that's it for this week.  Good luck this week bitches!

~TF